Hello future me! Today is March 22, 2015, 12:00AM, Sunday. I am lying on my bed, about to sleep when a sudden urge to write a letter to you came upon me. I do not have a journal at the moment (maybe you do now?) so I decided to just leave it here. A time capsule of its own sort, something you can always read when you feel lost. Because that’s what I wish you would know by now, how to find yourself after someone have lost you. (Thank you Gayle Forman for inspiring this idea)
I’m thinking it’s been ten years. You’re still young, but what have you done so far? Have you finally incurred a failing grade? Have you gotten rid of your laziness and/or procrastinating tendencies? Have you finished med school? Did you continue to specialize in neurosurgery? Have you done something useful for yourself, if not for others? Most especially, who have you become?
I am about to graduate from college now. I only have a year left. Time flies, don’t you think? Ten years ago, you and I were still in 4th grade. You cut your hair into a bob that time. That was also the time that you were first exposed to musical plays. We watched Hua Mulan, a magic show inspired by Mulan. It was good, actually. Our teacher also made us draw a picture of how our town would look like in ten years. I remember drawing a Robinson’s mall on my paper. That was also the time that we had our first serious crush. It was crazy, it’s making me cringe right now. But it’s okay, it happens to everyone, doesn’t it? Fast forward to now, I have watched even more plays. Mostly based on Disney movies but still equally amazing and moving. The town now has various grocery shops and a town Center none of it a Robinson’s mall but surprisingly has it’s rival, an SM mall instead. And I now have a guy. Still not official but he’s someone. You get the picture, I know you would. Now, I don’t know whether the both of you are still together. Are you? Did you make it through college? Through med school? What happened? But I do hope you’re still together, he’s been so good to me so he must still be the same some years from now. He’s changed me into someone I never knew I could be; he made me know myself more. It wasn’t on his agenda, I believe. It just happened, I guess that happens when you have someone who knows you better than yourself; you get to be aware of your thoughts, actions, mannersims, habits, both good and the bad, all sides of you, even the ones you thought didn’t exist. See how good he is for me? How good he was for yourself? He’s my best friend, rock, crying shoulder, and everything else in between rolled into one. I’m keeping him, I hope you would.
But, if in any case he would choose to leave you or you would leave him, I hope you’d know how to find yourself. Because if the two of you did not end up together, there’s something you might have lost along the way. And I’m betting it is yourself that got lost. Once you realize that I’ve been gone, go to sleep. Do not decide on anything just yet. Not that we’re evading impulsiveness (because that might just be the very essence of this letter), but you need to collect your thoughts and yourself first. Upon waking up, I hope you are feeling better. Go put up a world map on a wall. Get a hold of a dart or a marker, whatever you can throw that would mark the spot that it just hit. Look at where it landed and right then and there, book a flight to the nearest date possible and pack your things. Never mind that you do not have an in depth knowledge of that place, you’ll get to know it better by experiencing the place anyway.
Do it because as you find your way through the streets, I know you’ll find yourself too. Am I sounding cliché and novel-y right now? It’s just that, I’ve come to realize that when you feel like you don’t belong in a certain place, you should just leave. It must be the universe’s way of telling you that there is somewhere you need to be. It must be your unconscious saying “you need a change of pace. We need a change of pace and I know you want it too”. It’s not a cowardly act of escaping as much as it is an act of saving yourself before you become a complete wreck.
Should you end up being as fine as I am right now throughout the time that has passed since I wrote this letter and the time you read this, please still throw that dart and let it land wherever on that map tacked on a wall. Experience being on your own, away from the comforts your life has given you, away from the feeling of safety your room gives you. Experience drifting, really drifting along and let the wind take you wherever. Drift and feel every inch, every corner, every space. Immerse yourself in the culture. Make new friends. Help others as others have helped you. Do not be afraid to try new things, be crazy. Live, and not just exist.
I’m planning on how I could save up for that event in our life because I really want to do it and I know you would want to do it. I have so much in my life right now: family getting along just fine, school being challenging but manageable, friends still being my friends, and an awesomely awesome guy. I wish you still have them while you’re reading this, hold them dear, spend time with them. But never ever forget to spend time alone with yourself as well.
I’m bad at writing endings, maybe you’re better now. I have a good feeling about you.
(This post first appeared on my past blog: Future Someone)
UPDATES: When I wrote this, it was intended to be read by myself ten years from then (so, my 29-/30-year old self) but I came across it when I was browsing through my old blog and decided to keep it here as well. I have now graduated from college, and yes, Tim and I made it through. Still haven’t incurred a failing grade (and I’m really not looking to get one, lol), and I’m on my way to med school next year. Not much has happened; still haven’t thrown that dart yet but I have been somewhere with my friends so I’m not complaining. I’m still continuing to grow. I hope years from now, when I read this again, I’ve become the best version of myself possible at the time being. [9/10/2016]