I wish I can take back how much of myself I shared to other people. I have secrets that I shared with people I hold dear that I wish I didn’t tell. I have experiences that I wish I didn’t share with any of you. It’s one thing to judge me for doing something stupid but it’s another to rub it in my face and invite other people to do the same. I know now why my boyfriend shares his secrets only with me. He said that before me, everything was just pent up inside him — secrets and frustrations included. I didn’t want to believe him at first because you gotta tell someone, right? I couldn’t quite believe that he doesn’t tell his friends some of his secrets, not even one. Now I understand why.
It’s because not everyone you tell your secrets to deserve to know it. Not even the people you grew up with, not even your bestfriends. Some of them are just in it for the juicy story, some are just in it so as not to feel left out, some are there so they can judge you in a way that can make themselves feel better, and only a few are there to really listen to you. The thing about telling someone your secret is your knowledge that it is going to be safe with them, that they will listen to understand you better, and that they are listening not so they can parade it in your face that, “oh hey, thanks for telling me that. I’ve just proven how much better I am compared to you“.
I wish I was mean enough to be able to say, “I know things about you that can ruin your life so you better watch it,” but I’m not. I didn’t want to be the person who uses another person’s secret to threaten someone else.
When I told you my secret, I said it to you in confidence. And I said it to you with confidence that no matter how stupid my decision was, no matter how selfish it was, or no matter how crazy or weird it was, you are going to listen and you are not going to judge, and most importantly, you are not going to invite other people to degrade me.
But thank you for making me feel like I was such a trash because I did that. Thank you for making me feel like I’m the worst person there ever was. Thank you for rubbing it in my face, and thank you for encouraging everyone else to do the same. Thank you because I now know that my secrets are the safest with me — that no amount of friendship or years we’ve spent together can ever guarantee that you’re the best person to tell my experiences to. I let you know so much about me and I wish I didn’t. You didn’t deserve to know me that well.