November 1, 2016

I wish I can take back how much of myself I shared to other people. I have secrets that I shared with people I hold dear that I wish I didn’t tell. I have experiences that I wish I didn’t share with any of you. It’s one thing to judge me for doing something stupid but it’s another to rub it in my face and invite other people to do the same. I know now why my boyfriend shares his secrets only with me. He said that before me, everything was just pent up inside him — secrets and frustrations included. I didn’t want to believe him at first because you gotta tell someone, right? I couldn’t quite believe that he doesn’t tell his friends some of his secrets, not even one. Now I understand why.

It’s because not everyone you tell your secrets to deserve to know it. Not even the people you grew up with, not even your bestfriends. Some of them are just in it for the juicy story, some are just in it so as not to feel left out, some are there so they can judge you in a way that can make themselves feel better, and only a few are there to really listen to you. The thing about telling someone your secret is your knowledge that it is going to be safe with them, that they will listen to understand you better, and that they are listening not so they can parade it in your face that, “oh hey, thanks for telling me that. I’ve just proven how much better I am compared to you“.

I wish I was mean enough to be able to say, “I know things about you that can ruin your life so you better watch it,” but I’m not. I didn’t want to be the person who uses another person’s secret to threaten someone else.

When I told you my secret, I said it to you in confidence. And I said it to you with confidence that no matter how stupid my decision was, no matter how selfish it was, or no matter how crazy or weird it was, you are going to listen and you are not going to judge, and most importantly, you are not going to invite other people to degrade me.

But thank you for making me feel like I was such a trash because I did that. Thank you for making me feel like I’m the worst person there ever was. Thank you for rubbing it in my face, and thank you for encouraging everyone else to do the same. Thank you because I now know that my secrets are the safest with me — that no amount of friendship or years we’ve spent together can ever guarantee that you’re the best person to tell my experiences to. I let you know so much about me and I wish I didn’t. You didn’t deserve to know me that well.

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  • Reply Kai November 2, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    I find it hard when I share secrets to my friends because I know they will use it against me. 🙁 Now, I learned to choose who are the people I am supposed to tell these kind of stuff. I hope you’re okay.


    • Reply Pia November 3, 2016 at 3:37 am

      Hi Kai, thank you. 🙂 I’m okay, but kinda bummed. Because you know, I thought I didn’t have to cautious when telling something to people I’m close to. But oh well, that’s life I guess. I hope one day you find someone you can confide in who won’t use your secrets against you. <3

  • Reply Mariz November 4, 2016 at 12:25 am

    I feel sorry upon reading this. I don’t know why there are people who don’t care about the value of “secrets.” It’s sad. That’s why I’ve been keeping things to myself, though sometimes they become too heavy to handle alone. But I’m happy that I can share some with mom. I know my secrets are safe with her.

    Things might get frustrating at times, but the good thing is, you were able to realize something and learn from it.

    Have a good day. God bless you ☺

    • Reply Pia November 4, 2016 at 4:51 am

      Thank you, Mariz. I’m glad you have a close relationship with your mom that you can share your secrets with her. I’m not usually a secret-sharing kind of person which is why it’s very frustrating for me when someone doesn’t value what I just told him/her. Have a good day to you too! <3

  • Reply Tienne November 4, 2016 at 5:39 am

    Cheer up sweetie, hopefully this too shall go away. 😉

    • Reply Pia November 4, 2016 at 6:16 am

      Thank you, Tienne! <3

  • Reply Richel V. November 14, 2016 at 4:30 am

    I feel so much with this. Lately, I’ve shared things with someone who I thought I could trust. Things that even my best friends and my family didn’t know, and he didn’t deserve to know me like that. To have ammo against me like that. And, yes, he also shared things with me so I guess we have an ammo against each other. But I have no plans of ever doing that, so sometimes, I worry about the what-ifs. What if he decided to use that against me – especially since he already turned out to be different that who I perceived him to be? It’s giving me severe trust issues, but I’m working on it. I’m working on just being more cautious on who I tell things to. While I still have lots of secrets close to my heart, I can’t keep everything bottled up. Thank god for people who has been with me through everything and people that I’m sure will be with me ’til the end. I’m sorry you had to go through this, Pia. It still isn’t good to keep everything bottled up, but some people just don’t deserve to know us that well. We just have to learn to learn who we trust. It’s probably gonna be a trial and error method, but we’ll get better at it. I trust that.

    • Reply Pia November 15, 2016 at 6:05 am

      Thank you so much for this, Richel. <3 It's so frustrating, right? To be that vulnerable -- knowing that someone has that kind of hold on you because you thought you could trust him. It's so unfair to have your secret used against you while you can't even come close to thinking to do that to them. But you're right, it's really just about learning who to trust. I really hope we get better at this.

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