March 17, 2017

I’ve been struggling to find the words to explain how I feel. It’s been a month and I still don’t know how to properly express what I felt when you told me that we have to go our separate ways. I’ve always found it easy to put into writing what I feel but I’m at loss with how I should write about us. Maybe because writing about it means it’s actually real, that it’s really over. Or maybe that no matter how painful it was, I know it deserves nothing but the best of my words.

We’ve come such a long way. From clueless freshmen to people who are now sure of themselves and what they wanted for their future. People have always admired how headstrong we are and how much we’ve had our life plan figured out, and I’m proud of the both of us for being able to not let a relationship dictate who we want to be. Our friends have always told us how chill our relationship is — how we don’t prohibit each other; how we still maintained being independent individuals despite being together for three years; and how we always supported each other with what we wanted to do.

They’ve always told me how perfect it seems that we both wanted to be doctors so we would always understand what the other is going through, and it was. We were both prepared for what the future holds because we were sure of what we wanted to be. Until we weren’t. The future we imagined for ourselves doesn’t quite have each other in it. We both wanted to go to med school, and be successful doctors in our own chosen fields but we both don’t know what our future together is. And I know we’re still young but I’ve always thought that somehow we’d be thinking of it by now. After all, we’ve been together for some years already.

I personally don’t want to have a child of my own because the thought of pregnancy scares me, and knowing that I have to sacrifice so much of my time and myself for another human being scares me even more. But I know that I want to be married some time in the future. Who doesn’t? I wish I didn’t ask because the answer gutted me to my core. You didn’t want to. Every time I come to realize that, a part of me hurts because it just meant one thing: that even after three years, my boyfriend didn’t even see a slightest future for us. And again, I know that 21 is still young but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to include someone else in your future.

I’ve always thought that we would last longer than this because everything just seems right. With you, things just fell into place. You’ve always called me out on my bullshit and celebrated my achievements with me. You’ve never made me feel like I should be competing with other girls for your attention. You always made me feel like I can do anything that I want to do because you’ve never doubted my capabilities. And tears well up in my eyes as I type this because you’ve been such a good boyfriend, and even more so, one of my very best friends.

We’ve been through a lot, and after all that and the years we’ve been together, I still can’t quite believe that this is where it ends.

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  • Reply Da Dominguez March 17, 2017 at 7:37 am

    I don’t know what to say about this. Reading this gave me a glimpse of how you must be feeling. Sending over some *virtual huuuugs* I know these words from a stranger probably won’t matter, but I sincerely pray that you come out of this stronger.

    • Reply Pia March 17, 2017 at 9:13 am

      Thank you, Da. <3 I'm actually feeling better now since it has already been a month. Still feeling sad from time to time but definitely feeling much better than before. 🙂

  • Reply Dianne Kathreen March 22, 2017 at 3:24 am

    Reading this breaks my heart. 🙁 But you know what they say, heartbreaks are blessings in disguise. Maybe you need to experience that kind of heartbreak because something good, better, or best will come to you sooner or later. I admire how strong you are. Just keep on believing that everything will be better. <3

    • Reply Pia March 22, 2017 at 4:35 am

      Thank you, Kat! <3 Yeah, I think good things are headed my way too and I have a lot to look forward to so it's keeping me preoccupied. 🙂

  • Reply Ellaine Go March 22, 2017 at 11:10 am

    It’s been 5 months when I felt what you are feeling right now. Not in the position to say this, but yes you’re gonna make it. And you’re gonna be okay! 🙂

    • Reply Pia March 23, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      Thank you, Ellaine! I believe so too. 🙂

  • Reply Clint Mamuri March 22, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    Reminds me that I was heartbroken as well. It’s been a month too for me. I get that you feel sad from time to time especially when you remember something about what you had or about him. It’ll be hard, we know it but we can survive this. It will actually make us a better person, we just have to find a positive way, or see the brighter side. Sending you virtual hugs, P! :-*

    • Reply Pia March 23, 2017 at 12:39 pm

      Thank you, Clint! Yes, it did make me a better person. 🙂 I’m much more appreciative of the people around me now and I have more time for myself so it’s been a fruitful break-up. Lol.

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